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holder_of_ya_heart
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Name: Sylvana
Location: Virginia Beach, Virginia, United States
Gender: Female
Interests: Singing, Computer, Running and being crazy with my friend, being sarcastic, hyper and stupid
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
2/20/2006
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| Its been so long.......
Theres just nothing i can say on here that will catch me up. so ill bulletin it....
*Me and dante didnt work out. He now is a man whore.
*Sean came to see me after the forth of july. on the 23rd we started dating. engaged the 30th
*Ive been hiding from Tim....he wants me back.....
*School is a big challenge and ive been getting sick very very easily
*I can do things that no one else can. Something is wrong with me.
*I have the chance to find out if what i feel is really out there, and im afraid to be shown Sean is crazy
*The future is hidden from my mind, and I've been given big choices to make.
I'm not sure what it is that im suppose to do. All i know is that i dont know how to do it.
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| Starting to feel some life in me again.
So let me fill you in:
Schools been going good and ive pretty much been in the good graces of everyone. Which for me is a very good thing. No fights with any girls, and right now i could care less about those immature boys. lol.
I got my tonsils out on the 18th. My voice sounds funny and i cant sing right and its making me really really sad.
I also started dating Cole. He called me about 5 days before i was about to get my tonsils out, just right out of the blue. It was nice. I sorta liked him again, but of course ive just sorta been wanting to be with someone. You know how i get when THAT happens. *sigh* i hurt him again. I didnt mean to! we were dating and his friend Dante just started to talk to me alot. I found out we had alot in common. And i mean ALOT! I sorta liked him before me and cole started even dating, but i didnt know it till cole asked me on christmas eve!! i was upset because dante had told him to go for it, so i thought he didnt like me. Goddess i was wrong! But thats what i thought so i said yes to cole! and then on the 29th i met cole, robert, and dante at a skatezone party. I got mad at cole and Dante cuddled with me and held me and was ABLE to calm me down. i was seriously amazed, it felt so, so, so RIGHT. He is very much like me and i told him, after finding myself liking him greatly, that i couldnt be around him. he wouldnt leave me alone and kept asking me why. i said isnt it obvious? he kept on saying no but he did know because he said "oh just say it, its 3 words, you can say them in any order." and unlike anyone else...I TOLD HIM! i said "i like you you dont like me and im dating your best friend!" he said i was wrong. Goddess did i have whiplash when i actually processed what he said!! I also ended up breaking up with Cole that night. I knew i couldnt cheat on him and didnt want to be with him.
Then dante took me up into webcity and cuddled with me...and well...we sorta....kissed. his kisses we intoxicating! like every persons kisses i had kissed rolled into a perfect liplock! and it STILL felt right. We kept on talking more than ever that night. And i still went out to Dante's house on New years Eve. We were going to go to the riot, and did, but they split us up and tried to get us to play stupid games so dante called him mom to pick us up. I spent the night at dante's house. i ended up making out with him, and plain out wonderful night, and feel asleep in his arms. And then i hardly had to lie to rich. And i didnt get in trouble! He also had asked me out. I felt horrible for Cole......but.....i dont know when im with Dante its like i could care less about everyone elses feelings and LIKE being happy for once. usually that doesnt happen.
So now we are a wonderful couple of 5 days and im just keep on counting on the days.
im so happy!
but im still numb, i keep having my lows at random times, and when i do i cant do anything but just wait them out. its horrible! its like im fighting to stay numb but yet falling out of the fog. Its sort of painful you know?
Schools been good though, got my grades up except for maybe science. but thats okay ill bring it up in good time.
i still have 2 weeks lol. but im nervous about my OGT's you have no idea. + i ant play my horn after getting my tonsils out......i feel like a train wreck just trying to get back in place.
But for some reason i think im okay with everything. I told you that boy has some hold on me....its keeping me in check for some reason.
im amazed.
True, Non-Forbidding, Love. And this is the fastest I've ever fallen. Even with Filtch.
Thats the only thing wrong with me.....i know im going to have to hurt him too......
and its not going to be a pretty picture at all.
Okay i wrote enough, i think we're all caught up now.
Night and lata everyone
im out
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| Wow, this was probably the most boring and interesting wednesay ever. And i cant believe i havent written in this thing in forever! Thats okay today is more a "Rant Day". I have so many people talking to me that i have tried to take notice of me, and i finally wasnt even trying. I have all of my ex boyfriends (besides josh and sean, fucking assholes) talking to me. Cool thing right? Not really, 'cuz i dont want it. I cant feel anything anymore. I know its a bad thing but i dont know what to do about it. I dont feel pain anymore either. I tore open my knuckles punching my punching bag, and still couldnt feel a thing till i poured alcohol into it by accident. (that shit stings!) I also feel no more shame or guilt either. Im starting to scare myself. I no longer have a relationship with my family, because they show me no respect, and i will NOT stand for that. Not one chance. Im now forgetting about my social life and trying to get my school work back up. Harder said than done when your trying to pull up a D in like every grade. Not something that i am known for at all. Along with being mentally and physically ill, not the easiest thing in the world. Im supposedly going back out with Joe McDonald again, but really i dont care at all. I was to tired to keep fighting him and say no so i just said yes. Filtch is gone now and isnt able to talk to me like he use to. I think he used me. Wouldnt be the first time though, so im use to it. Very sad though because i think, no, i know i loved him, more than i had ever loved Josh! Yeah what a waste to love. Im done with that too. So hopefully i can try to get of this depression state and just go through life numb. Its the best thing. Go through life in a fog, time means nothing, and feelings are a thing of the past. That's my paradise. Welp i think thats it, ill write more tomorrow. G'night. Im out. 
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| Just Another Laid Back Sunday
nothing good nothing bad today. didn't go to church. I could have but i didn't feel like it. Sorry bad habit i know.
i read a story on one of my favorite sites QUIZILLA BABYYYY
took a shower, for like, an hour, man did it feel good just to soak up the peace and quiet and the nice clean feeling.
never put on REAL clothing today. just a pair of shorts and a tank top.
Talked to Zach, aka my greatest boyfriends evers, for alittle while anyway.....i wasn't in the greatest mood this morning. :-/
did chores and sang songs idly all day. watched some movie about star wars,
now im sitting here playing eith my small baby mice, they are the cutest thing ever!! yes cuter than a big blue eyed puppy dog!!
okie dokie lata im out!
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| i hate my family
im with the one person who can make me happy and they still piss me off so bad that i cant even see straight
believe me that is pretty bad
no one listens to me,
noone believes me
everyone but me gets along with one another
i cant seem to do anything right
WHY THE FUCK IS THAT ANYWAY!!!!!!
I AM SO SICK OF THIS SHIT IT ISNT EVEN FUNNY
I always have to pretend to be happy and i do what i have to do when i have to do it.
AND IT STILL ISNT ENOUGH!!
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